When Determination causes pain

Determination in itself is a great attribute to posses, it enables us to move forward with conviction towards a goal. To persevere through trials and to keep our heads above water, but when that determination is aimed in the wrong direction it can have devastating results.

Last night, once again, we were woken up by squealing and fighting hamsters. Our two DO NOT get along! When we got them we envisioned the two of them living peacefully and cuddling together, we did not however count on getting two strong willed and determined little miscreants. They are pleasant and docile towards us but put them together and all hell breaks lose. We separated them in the cage by means of a vertical mesh, but alas, they made a way by day 2 of getting at each other. So we decided to do an upstairs and downstairs conversion to the cage. Again without success. Their determination to have each others space and food led them to find, by any means, the smallest of spaces to crawl through, leaving in their wake bruises, scrapes and bleeding wounds and us sleep deprived. They are now in separate cages all together.

They have an excuse though, they are animals. Us humans however have been gifted with the ability to discern and comprehend the emotional consequences of our actions. We have the intellectual ability when we so choose, to process the possible impact of our actions before we take them….do we though?

In society today it has become evident that for the most part, we have lost our humanity. Peoples determination has been aimed at self gratification, materialism and the pursuit of glory. The determination to fill our days chasing success in work and play has led people to speedily disobey road laws, driving up the wrong side of the road, jumping red traffic lights and stop streets and causing collisions. Their determination to be first leaving in its wake financial strain and even death.

The determination of others to climb the corporate ladder, regardless of who they have walked on to get to the next step. They leave behind the emotional strain of neglected family and embittered co-workers. Some have a determination to have it all, the big house, fancy cars and more stuff than they know what to do with, neglecting to see the needs of those around them.

Those others who have a determination to see change, to help and care as a community, the way it should be. They are often regarded as troublemakers, outcasts and rebellious because they do not subscribe to society as it is.

I fear for what will become of this world, what our children’s children will suffer at the hands of this so called society if the focus is not soon changed from self gratification and material gain to self worth and the needs of the greater community.

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The Little Things

It’s been quite a hectic last couple of weeks. Life has spun by at an alarming rate with Doctors visits, bouts of illness and work drama’s. All typical of life.  After a ‘catch up’ session with a friend the other day I was asked how am I still standing. I realized its not something I have ever thought about. I just get up and do, there isn’t really any other option. So I have been thinking, what is it that helps me to keep moving forward instead of just ‘checking out’ so to say.

While taking a little break from it all the other day (I was painting my very sweet ‘wizard’ elf I got for Mothers Day) my daughter sat beside me and said, ‘I think Bearded Biker is the best man ever mom, he is lovable, caring,  funny and always tells the truth’ A point I know and will always cherish but to hear it from the innocent mouth of a child and to know she feels that way is a pleasure. I have to credit him for always being there to give me a hand on those days when the ‘get up and go’ is a little harder to do. Also, as much as my son is having this struggle and its been a battle for years to find answers, I take comfort in the little steps, we may not be there yet but we are closer than ever before. (Here I need to add that as much as some belittle the government hospitals and care here, there truly are passionate and caring doctors and nurses working in these places, so far the best care and willingness to help and find the answers has been from these precious people.) My daughter is healthy and full of spark and where before life seemed peachy on the outside, it was devoid of true friendship and emotional safety; Now we have a home, not a mansion filled with things but a home, walls and a roof filled with loving people.

So I guess the main aspect for me that works is trying to focus on the little things in life that are right, those small things that we might miss or lose sight of in the efforts to keep our  heads above the water. I find that dwelling on the hurdles in front of us lends itself to us falling down, they seem larger than they really are. Instead aim your sites on the end goal, the finish line if you will. Keeping the hurdles in view but not your main focus allows the mind to see the bigger picture, you can plan better and have more room to breathe. Remember how far you have come and all you have already accomplished, no matter how small the victory, it’s still that…. a Victory. Instead of sitting at night counting all the wrong and downer things that have happened or the things we didn’t get done, list the small steps you made towards the end goal and if you sitting there saying ‘It didn’t work out!’ remember, at least you tried! That’s a step forward too.

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Ode to the “Delinquents” mom

As a mom of a “Delinquent”, a perverse and crude term used by those who cannot understand the struggles of the tattered and beautiful souls of the children, teens and adults that struggle with a mental illness. I am writing this to salute all those moms out there who have walked the road with their precious child. I write to the moms today as here by us it’s Mothers Day. Please by no means am I excluding those fathers and guardians who walk this same road. This post is for you as well.

To the moms that have endured the sideways glances and disproving head shakes. To those who suffer the needless criticism about their lack of correct discipline. To those who have felt the sting of the Judgmental looks and comments. I salute you. I salute you for your perseverance, your unyielding love and for getting up each day and taking those steps forward. I salute you for your passion and devotion to helping your beautiful and tattered soul of a child find a future in this cruel world.

To all the loved ones that support and hold the hand of these moms… Thank You…

As a mom I was told for the first 8 years of my precious child’s life that I was being paranoid, only to be told just before his 9th birthday (thanks to a Doctor who took the time to really care) that my child had a severe abnormality in his brain. It has been another 7 years and multitudes of Doctors later and we are still looking for answers. I have grabbed at every possible opportunity and pursued every lead.  Finally we have the ember that may just light the candle that will lead us to the bright sunlight of truth and the ability to prepare fully for his future. It’s not about being hung up on a diagnosis, its about knowing a prognosis, this gives us the ability to plan and know where we headed.

To all you out there walking this hard road, I know that some days are so dark you cant see a way forward, some days feel like an endless and useless battle. I know those moments where you wonder why. You look up and wanna yell and scream. The days you wish you could give up but you love to much to do that. I know the heartache of wishing for a break but feeling so guilty for wanting it. It’s ok. Remember you’re human and when you feel alone, remember you are not. Wherever you are, those of us on that road are with you in spirit.

To the tattered and beautiful souls out there struggling to make your way in this world, we are with you too. We know the pain you feel, the rejection, the fear, the anger and confusion. We know you don’t even know half the time why you feel that way. We know it’s hard to keep a lid on your anxiety’s and fears, the anger that boils and spews. Just remember, get up each day, do your part and participate with the doctors. One day there will be light, there IS a future and you are not alone.

To those watching, PLEASE, don’t be so quick to judge. Yes some people out there are just mean, arrogant and lazy, but others are struggling with a disorder or an illness you just cannot see. Just because someone looks healthy and “normal” doesn’t mean there isn’t a hidden issue, and trust me, a parent that has a child suffering has read every book they can get their hands on, they have tried all the parenting strategies and discipline possibilities. Think how you battled to deal with “that child” for the few moments you spent with them, imagine living with them….do you not think that parent hasn’t exhausted every method possible to help their child as they have to live with them?

Stay strong and keep putting each foot in front of the other. I am with you and I know one day things will be ok.